Tag Archives: pork hell

El Habanero

3500 S 8146 W

2 stars out of 5

As i’ve had time to let this “settle”, my opinion on the place just kind of hit the shitter. Not that it was glowing to begin with, but the more i thought about it, the more “meh” i felt. So take me with a grain of salt here, and understand i have a sense of humor that may not “jive” with yours too. So if you are for some reason offended by my dislike/mocking ways, you might want to skip reading this post in particular :). So tell me if you don’t agree. I’m cool.

So it’s a grey day outside. Its dark and smoggy. Oppressive and cold. Unwelcoming and uninspiring. Kelly picked me up from work as we were very excited to head out to try this stuff called Cochinita Pibil, which is basically a marinated pork dish. I’m stoked about it. I think i’m about to have my mind blown. My expectations are pretty high! So, as i was saying, Kelly picked me up and we headed out to this place, west of salt lake, i’m sure it has some fucked up name and is a cool place to live, but i guess it’s not appealing to the young and timid type who just wanna rock out and have a good time, like me. Well let me be the first to tell you and assure you that in this area apparently, they have education out here. And vinyl fence strip Manufacturers. And a few cul-de-sacs with nice houses but no trees Lots of places that look like meth houses too. Kinda creepy if you ask me! I smell inbreeding. There was even a horse or two. Apparently people subject themselves to living out in this fringe area of an already fringe shit-hole.

So after we passed many archaic things, such as a dilapidated strip mall and a scary gas station, we reached El Habanero. The parking lot is small. The exterior looks decent enough. We go inside and immediately see one of those Amish heater contraptions. I have a feeling i’m in for something cool.

The inside greets us with a “wall of fame”. There’s some creepy shit up here, let me tell you. Besides that, there’s a large L-shaped bar with the drink fountain and waitresses busy as bee’s. We are kindly greeted and seated. I notice the place looks pretty clean and maybe even recently remodeled. I also notice a lot of white people. Not that this is a bad thing, but it’s not necessarily a good thing when you see Bo-Diggity Dog Josephestein with his broseph, Todd the copy machine expert chilling during their lunch hour away and hitting up this place rather than TGI Friday’s (because there isn’t one even nearby!) . So i’m not impressed with the clientel necessarily. Nothing against you guys who were there. I just like want to appreciate what my Mexican and South American friends enjoy.

So the tortilla chips and salsa. Whoa. Warm. Crispy. I bit into one and broke some old man’s ear drum the sound reverberated so loudly. Damn tasty. Refills on the chips were 95 cents. About 10-15 chips a bowl. Not to be a stingy guy, but come on. Talk about gouging.

Next came the menu. Standard white-people fare. I think there may have been a hamburger on there. Anyway. The thing to try was the Pork marinated in Hate Sauce.

The plate arrives and i’m a bit worried. A giant slosh that looks like sloppy-joes appears before me with a side of red onions, beans and rice and a piddly little side-salad. I fear for my intestines. And for my soul and what sins I’m about to commit against humanity.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate a sloppy joe. But tell me that’s what i’m getting! There are ISSUES with this meal… I don’t care who you are, but the pork was far too acidic to be palatable for me. There were some what appeared to be pickled, but i’m not sure, red onions. I thought they would help balance this out and let me TASTE the taco. Didn’t help. So I resorted to piling the beans and rice in too. Let me just explain how painful it was… I was sweating. I was giving Kelly looks of “I don’t know if I’m gonna make it” type of looks. I didn’t think it was right for this to happen. Maybe it was an off day..? It really could have been good. I don’t know what else to say. I ate a lot of my plate, but i left a lot left over. The best part of the meal was the horchata, but it was obviously a straight pre-mixed type dealy-o. If we had been stuck in the wilderness and there was no source of fire or warmth i would resort to rubbing this on my body to stay warm. Might smell good. It may also burn off your skin. I actually challenge one of you to eat an entire plate of what i ate without flinching in pain at some point from the acidity.

Did i get my point across about that? I know i will be told this is how it is prepared, a result of the pork’s preparation. But i can’t forgive making it available to eat in that form. Maybe if there was more of a balance to the acid from the marinating, but you could not even taste the onions through it. I don’t think you’d be able to taste anything through it to be honest.

So this is why i trash on you and take out my anger on you. I’ve had a bad week, and i think you can do better. That’s the bottom line. This dish could kick ass, but it needs someone tasting this slosh before it is touted as the best thing on the menu! Seriously. Not to bash. I have nothing but love for the taco.

I must also say, i really do need to give this place a second, maybe a third and fourth chance. I really would like to try the carne asada based dishes, and steer from this pork mess. I must also state that i have an allergy to pork. So yeah, might want to disregard me and take a chance for yourself? I would like to try this dish at the Red Iguana… I have not tried it and hear it’s amazing. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Say no more?

I spent the rest of the day wanting to die. To have the sun explode and rain fire on me. Put me out of my misery… Still i search for you. Actually, i have some very good things to say about a taco joint, but i NEED to go there again and take pictures and record things a bit better. And take my girlfriend with me too. And we even have some REAL street taco stand reviews coming. I apologize they are slow coming in. The weather has kinda been crappy lately and that keeps most of us from getting out… Until next time. Goodbye, cruel world.